Happy Holiday Shopping? Ho-Oh-NO!

Twas the week before Christmas
I still had to shop
My hubby was working, you know, he's a cop.
The kids in fine spirits, they had just watched "ELF"
"This is going to be fun." I thought to myself.

So off we went, Me, Mackenzie and Ty,
To lunch first, then shopping, with plenty to buy!
I said a prayer to the Mommy Gods:
"PLEASE LET THEM BE GOOD."
So cute in the backseat~I knew that they would.

Okay, enough poetry.

I had this vision in my head that day, as I'm sure we've all had, of that perfect, Christ-massy day that would be remembered fondly for years to come.

I'll remember this, alright.

We went first to McDonald's~ it was packed. We found a seat in the corner~ perfect. I was proud as people commented on my cute kids. They did look adorable~ we sat down and were almost through our lunch when Tyler stood up and announced loudly:

"LISTEN TO THIS!"
oh.no.

And he proceeded to pass the loudest, longest, I have to say, most perfectly timed, gas, okay, fart, that I have ever heard.

Before I could even respond, he turned around to the folks behind him and asked, in perfect Buddy The Elf fashion,

"Did you HEAR that?!"
oh.no.

Luckily, they thought it was mildly amusing, and once again, though I shouldn't have, I laughed. I mean, it was perfectly timed! Of course, I did reprimand him, but it fell on deaf ears, as he and Mackenzie were in an absolute fit of laughter over it.

So we packed up and without fail, the words I knew were on the way...
"MAMA! I have to go pee."

So we all packed into the ladies room. I went in with Tyler, and Mackenzie went beside us.

"MAAAAMAAAA!" It was Mackenzie.
oh.no.
"What, honey?" I said, trying to get Tyler zipped up.

"I didn't wipe enough last time and there's poop on my underwear!"
oh.no.

Sweating.

"Hold on."

"This is what happens when you don't help me wipe, Mama!" She reprimanded me from her stall.

I squeezed Tyler through the line of waiting ladies and in to assist Mackenzie.

"You need to make sure I'm clean as a whistle."

"I know. I will."
ugh.

I left McDonald's that day with lessons learned.

Onto the grocery store.

The kids had no idea of my nerves. And I had moved on.

The aisles were crowded, but now entertained by Mackenzie and Tyler's lively renditions of "Yellow Submarine" and other Beatles tunes. They were greeting strangers and begging for Lucky Charms and Oreos. Momentarily, there was normalcy.

Then I spotted him. A very little man with a very odd looking hat.
oh.no.

"Look Mama, an elf!"
Of, course.

There was really no turning back. Why did he have to wear that hat, anyway?

Onto the meat section, where I was trying to figure out what type of roast would make the best "pulled pork."

Now, I must intervene and mention that this summer, Tyler had to have extensive dental work, due to lack of enamel on his top teeth. Since then, we are very mindful of the amount of sugar they eat, and especially Tyler, not to eat too much, or his new teeth would have to be fixed again.

Enter, the butcher.

"Can I help you?"

How nice.

"I was wondering what type of..."

I could see Tyler studying the man as he spoke, and before I could stop him, Tyler asked him:

"Did candy WOO-IN YOUR TEEF, TOO?"
oh.no.

I jokingly told the butcher that the kid wasn't even mine...that I found him and was looking for his real mother...

HaHa? Not so much.

I don't even remember what I bought that day. I got them out of there as fast as I could.

Needless to say, I did not make it to Wal-Mart. I hurried home, the kids giggling in the backseat, once again, oblivious to what had occurred.

Recalling this to my husband over the phone, it was another one of those stories that I realized in re-telling it, it was pretty funny.

I will continue to take my kids to lunch, and to the stores, and to wherever I need to go.

I probably won't, however, go back to see that butcher.

Lessons learned every day:
That kids remember lines from movies, to help wipe when needed, and Holiday Shopping on the Saturday before Christmas is a Ho-No-No!

Thanks for reading~

funny.crazy.love.