Thursday, May 5, 2011

You Want Fries With That Shake?

"Good Morning.(cracklecracklecrackle)Welcome to Dunkin Donuts. Would you like to try a cheddar cheese, sesame glazed, bacon stuffed(crackle)bagel twist this morning?"

"No Thank You. I would like a medium coffee with just milk."

"Will that be hot or iced?"

"Hot, please."

"Would you like a flavor shot?"crackle.

"No. Just a plain coffee."

"Skim milk or regular?"

"Umm. Skim."

"No Sugar(crackle) or Splenda?"


"Would you like to add a muffin or donut this morning?"

"No Thanks." Sheesh.

"Would you like to try a chocolate frosted, coconut sprinkled, double toasted waffle-wich?"

"Nope. Just the java.

"Was that a medium hot coffee?"

"YES. A medium HOT coffee with just skim milk. NOTHING else."

"Please drive up."

"Really?" I felt like asking. "Mother May I? Can I just drive up and get my SIMPLE coffee?"

Today was FILLED with OPTIONS. Starting with my coffee.

Then while trying to order a birthday cake for Mackenzie.

"I need a marble cake for about ten people. I need it Tuesday morning if that is possible."

"Sure. What kind of frosting? Traditional or Whipped?"

"What's the difference?"

"Traditional is more dense...blahblahblah"
Is what I heard. It's FROSTING for goodness sake.

"Traditional is fine."

"How do you spell her name?"

Here we go...


"Is that a big C or small?"


Etcetera. Etcetera...

"Do you want a number 6 candle?"


"What color?"

"I don't"

"Do you want the lettering on the cake or on the border?"

"On the cake?"

"Would you like a double layer or sheet?"

And the questioning went on and on..

Then, later in the day, I decided to go and have my nails done. Kind of a Mother's Day treat for myself...

I was greeted by a young man wearing a surgical mask, as I know many nail techs do now. But I could barely understand him anyway, and the mask over his mouth was going to make for difficult communication. This happened once before and I wound up with a floral mural that resembled, um, "hooch" across my toes.

I sat in the chair he directed, and put my wallet and keys down.

In almost impossible to decipher English, I thought he asked, "pig alright?"

"Excuse me?"


"I don't understand."

He gestured to a plastic hand....


I was so proud I finally understood.

"No thanks. Just a regular set."

"French manicure?"

"Nope. Color."

"Really? No French?" He seemed horrified.

"No. No FRENCH."

"You want design?"

What am I? Fourteen?

"No. No design." Here we go with the menu offerings...

"You want suncreen?"

Now I was being upsold, and I was no longer in the mood.

"No. I do not want ANY extras. Just color. JUST COLOR."

He hated me.

I was not too fond of him, either, but I was already wrist deep in Palmolive, and wasn't going anywhere.

All of these menu offerings have filtered into our life here at Crazy Road.

And it starts at 6:45 am every.single.morning.

"Mom. Do we have bagels?"

"I think so."

"Did you get regular cream cheese or did you get the 'light' stuff?"

"It's regular."

"Mama? Can I have waffles?"

"Yes, Tyler."

"Can I have the ones that are cut in strips? Not the round ones?

"I guess."


"Hi, Mackenzie."

"Can I have cinnamon toast? But with more sugar than cinnamon. And can you cut off the crust?"

As I shuffle around the kitchen, I realize that I alone have created this "menu" mentality for my kids. They  understand that there are always options. Lots of them.

Tyler will not eat pork chops. So as an "option" I offer chicken nuggets.
Mackenzie will not even entertain the idea of putting peppers into her mouth. As an "option," she can pick them out. And now I barely make anything with peppers. Or pork chops.
Nick barely likes any meat. But he's twelve. He can choke stuff down. I know he won't throw a fit. Thank GOD for Nick right now.

And they know they have options. They've been to McDonalds. They've been with me when going through the drive-thru. They see and hear millions of options and offerings...and guess what? They now expect options. Menu selections, if you will...I know. I know. MYFAULT.

I don't remember, as a child, being offered options. We ate what was put in front of us. No questions. No whining. We didn't KNOW back then that there were options. There was no menu at our house.

When we went to McDonalds, we got a burger and fries.
When they added Chicken Nuggets to the menu, It was National News. Now you can get gourmet salads, gourmet lattes...I don't even know if they still make cheeseburgers.

And at Dunkin Donuts, You could order coffee and a donut. That was about it. Now its like ordering an Olympic event.

"I'll have a half/caf/half hot/half cold/part skim/vanilla twist with a double shot of caramel and half packet of raw sugar..."

It's out.of.hand.

I know I sound old when I say, "It used to be so simple."

"Buy One Get One Free."
"Do you want whipped cream?"
"If you spend another $10 you get a free gift!"
"Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?"
"Would you like a hot apple pie, today?"
"White or Wheat?"


So many options.

Let's keep it simple, people.

And No. I don't want a pig, ALRIGHT?


Thanks for Reading.


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