Friday, July 16, 2010

SSSSScared Out Of My Shorts


Dignified is not a word that I, or anyone else that knows me, use as an adjective to describe~me. (I know that this is not grammatically correct, but I am still traumatized). Just know that I have no problem sharing some of the details, as humiliating as they may be, because without these said details, I could not paint the entire picture of what life is really like here at Crazy Road. Read on~

This story is NOT for the weak of heart.

RB~you might want to get the 'depends.'

BOY, It's been one hot summer so far, hasn't it? I mean we have been in this heat wave for weeks now!

I'm NOT complaining~But with this heat has come some slightly unwelcome issues. Like the fact that my hair has not responded to product. It's unruly. And I am constantly shiny. Not the pretty, dewy shiny like the babettes in the Victoria's Secret catalogue, either. I'm talking downright sweaty. I know. I paint a gorgeous picture, right?

Also, we are trying unsuccessfully to keep our pool free of the yuckies.

Another issue has been the on-set of some creepy-crawly critters that even I have not seen here at the 'Road.

Yes, we have birds.

Yes, we have those squeeeby ear-pinchy thingers that seem to be everywhere.

And yes, the frogs are back in town.

Hence, the beginning of the actual story.

It happened yesterday.

I went out as usual to check on the status of the pool.

Frogs? Check.

Dog hair clumps? Check.

Any flip-flops or goggles at the bottom? Nope. Check and check.

There was still that NAGGING pile of whatever at the bottom and I decided that I was going after it. Clothes and all.

We have this vaccum-ish device that attaches to a garden hose and literally blows up leaves and stuff from the bottom of pools. It's a pain to set up, but if you really work it, it does the job.

So I hooked up the hose and the net and the handle and got right into the pool.

I got a few net-fulls and called it good.

I got out of the pool, obviously soaked.

So soaked that my shorts were doing that sagging, almost falling off thing that, why I have no idea, is the trend with some guys nowadays. I had to hold them up.

No matter, really. I was heading right in anyway.

I walked over to the "hose house" to crank in the hose. After all, I wouldn't want anyone tripping on it! Sheesh!

As I was cranking the hose, I felt it kind of stop...I couldn't really see it, but I could tell where it was probably caught.

I reached into the opening to jiggle the hose free...I've done it before...

I can barely type right now...

I grabbed the hose and felt something move...

I pulled my arm out along with AAAAAA SNAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKE!!!!!

^%$$ &%&*%

It actually started to COIL up my arm!!!

I started screaming and flinging my arm and jumping around and flung that thing as far as I could fling...not sure how far because I just ran-jumped-sprung-like-tigger-as-fast-as-a-person-who-just-grabbed-a-snake-moves in the WAAAY other direction.


And I jumped right out of my shorts in the process.

I was (and still am) so completely traumatized by this, I can barely write about it without my toes curling up.

I totally lost it.

I don't believe anyone saw me. Thank goodness my kids were in the house engrossed in something loud.

I used to wonder if I could scream. You know? REALLY scream. Like the girls that scream in the Friday the 13th movies? When you try, it just doesn't sound as loud and well, screamy.

Let me tell you~

I can scream.

And run.

I don't know why I ran...I'm sure that snake was probably just as startled as I was...

Thank goodness I got my bearings and realized I had no pants on before I ran all the way around the house.

But even if I hadn't...I really didn't care.

Holy #$%^.

There really is no moral to this story.

Only now you are more aware that snakes are in places where you might not's HOT for goodness sake. Check your hoses with a long stick, or metal rod, or whatever you have lying around.

If you live within a 20 mile radius of 145 Crazy Road...I'm fine. A little shaky. But fine.

So, I'll now add snakes to list of critters that bother me.

If anyone needs a good screamer~have your people call my people.

God Bless Crazy Road.

Now, where's my wine?

Thanks For Reading.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for writing. Funny and also inspiring:)